Podcast January 6, 2020
Podcast #37 – Sharing the Holidays After Separation
Holidays can be difficult for separated families. It may be impossible for the children to celebrate with both parents and their families or to have the most important time, that is, Christmas morning, with both parents. So how can separated parents divide up those special times? Doing so can be one of the biggest challenges after separation or divorce.
When it comes to holidays, the first and most important consideration is that these are special times for the children too. Often they are even more special for the children than for the adults. The children do not want to spend these special times marked by fights among their parents. Especially fights where the child must take the side of one loved parent against another loved parent. That can ruin the entire special day or the entire holiday season for the child. Parents who love and want to protect their children must avoid fights over their children at these special times. It is always more important for the children to be happy than for a parent to be right. Of course, finding a fair plan for the children over the holidays can be hard. There are a few general principles that parents can use to help them make their plans.
What Judges have found to be Fair
Where a judge has to decide what time the child gets to spend with each parent over the holidays the main consideration is what is in the children’s best interest. What is in the best interest of the child always trumps what is in the best interest of the parent. What is best for the child can vary from family to family and can be affected by what is usual for the family. However, in the absence of special circumstances, the following is what many judges feel is fair.
First, children should rotate where they wake up on Christmas morning or with whom they spend special events. Christmas is often the most problematic, but this can apply to any holiday or special event that is of particular importance to the family. Children should get the opportunity to spend this time with each parent. But keep in mind that for really young children, the fight may not be worth it. They may not know what day it is, so it may be possible to create a special time on any day.
Second, where possible, traditions should continue for the children. This may conflict with the first point. But that is usually rather an opportunity to resolve the conflict than to create it. If for example, one side of the family has traditionally celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve, and the other side on Christmas Day, it can be possible for the children to attend both family celebrations every year rather than miss one. Dinner on Christmas Day is not a price to be won. Especially if it means ruining your family’s traditional Christmas Eve celebration. Be sensible and practical about how the children can maximize their celebrations.
Third, holiday time is usually shared equally. As with the first point, the children are getting a good opportunity to experience the holidays with each parent and their families. There are some obvious exceptions to this, such as when such an arrangement is not safe for the children or where one parent has to work and cannot take advantage of the extra time with their children. Again, this division has to be what is best for the children.
Fourth, for Christmas, parents often share the time from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day equally and then share the rest of the school break equally. For this special period, it makes sense for the special day to be divided and it can make no sense for one parent to get the entire week around Christmas and the other parent being shut out of Christmas entirely.
Fifth, travel with the children is okay during the holidays as long as it does not interfere with the other parent’s holiday. There are steps to be taken when the other parent refuses to let you travel without good reason.
Sixth, trying to give bigger or better presents than the other parents teaches the children to be manipulative. The children will play one parent against the other for the better gift when they know that their parent will fall for it.
Seventh, just because you are angry or emotional about the holidays after your separation does not mean your children are feeling the same way. Although it can be hard, parents should try to make holidays a happy time for their children. The separation was not the child’s fault, so they have no reason to feel angry or guilty.
Trashing the other parent around the holiday table or at any other time the children are present is never okay. Family court judges say that is bad parenting and even a reason to change custody or the parenting schedule.
Taking the High Route
Nothing ruins holidays for children like fights between their parents. It is one of the most psychologically harmful things parents can do to their parents. As unfair as the other parent may be to you over organizing the holiday, exposing your children to conflicts over or about the holidays is more unfair to the children. If you cannot get matters sorted out before the holidays in or out of family courts, then it is much better to take the high route and save your children from the fight. Then take this to the judge or an arbitrator to fix it for the next holidays. The judge will appreciate that you put your child’s well-being ahead of your own and they will be displeased with any parent that uses their children as pawns over the holidays. Taking the high route can only lead to things working out better for you and your children in the long run
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Opening and closing music © 2010 Little Jackie Wright
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